THE ANATOMY OF SLOW- SOFTNESS
In stepping out of the system, I'm Rebelling against urgency and speed - by deeply exploring the theme of SLOW. I've identified Three Sisters of SLOW- Softness, Stillness and Silence. The latter two, I am currently ok with, but the one I do struggle with the most is Softness. My heart was hardened early on in life, to create a protective shell from my unwell, loud and oftentimes mean immediate family. My brother felt like a whole football team on most days; but he was living with undiagnosed ADHD, he also wasn't cared for properly and definitely could have done with a soft touch or some gentle words. So this last couple of weeks I have been breaking down Softness, as to truly understand anything, you have to know what you personally know and believe about it, it's opposite state and where you are located in relation to it. So I feel that I certainly have deep moments of Softness, tenderness, vulnerability and gentleness, with friends closest to me.
Though on most days most people get to experience hard-hat, tough-talking, the brutal-honesty-at-all-costs version of Mary; unless I am very tired or oscillating in bliss, then the hardness slips and you may get some of the soft squishy Mary-love that comes oozing out. If you're lucky!
So why go so granular on something like Softness? Firstly because my bones are tired, as a masseuse, doing deep tissue massage. sometimes 3 times a day, I can and do feel the energy levels in bodies. What I see present now in most bodies, is tiredness, some chronic fatigue, some exhaustion. but an overall sense of Tiredness. I feel the skin and bones, the hard supportive scaffolding and also the soft gooey stuff within- flesh, fluids and organs. However, I also am now feeling the pain of pushing on my own bones, onto other peoples bodies, in particular my thumb and index finger are now hurting at least once or twice a week. My body is now asking to do deep tissue- strong but with Softness weaved in. Which I am obviously listening to as if I don't, I know where that will take me - back to Burnout.
So a BIG Yes to listening to tired achy bones, yes to leaning into the Softness, also because I am not 10 anymore and my defense mechanism against racist white women at school and satanic children at the church in Sunday school are no longer needed. All that I had to shield my heart and body against are no longer there. So I can trust, I can let go, I can surrender, I can trust my razor sharp intuitive insights, my dream downloads, my beautiful brain when undistracted and in flow, I can soften at the humble age of 44. I am softening.
Living in Sinai, I see Softness everywhere- where the sun softens and melts my brain into meaningless puss, where the sea softens my skin into sensitivity with kisses and caresses, where the sand - all those millions of grains of sand shows me effortlessly what is means to be malleable and change form. Dunes change form with the arrival of wind, while mountains themselves which appear solid and impenetrable from afar, can easily crumble away and yield, when up close.
Sand can also become firmer and more stable once you add the smallest bit of water to it, fluid allows sand to solidify, become claylike and moldable which is immediate joy through play, as we all know how fun clay can be! Softness there in both aspects, when combining sand and water together.
The Mountains of Sinai, these sacred, silent, magnificent mountains that surround us, have taught me a lot. When I go for hikes barefoot, walking on that soft, soothing, mildly exfoliating, wildly unstable ground that is Sand, I reconnect to primordial technology which is abundant in it’s nature, and that nature is truly Abundant. Sand has taught me a huge missing factor in my quest to become Softer, which is that it is completely malleable and moldable- just like life It is flexible and can slip through your fingers easily at any moment, no matter how much you have of it. Any moment, all of it can disappear. In Nuweiba there are a couple of sand dunes, small but stull duney- in essence. As soon as you climb a dune you see how sand can also show you what grit is, thick deep and seemingly impenetrable until you take one step after the other and you see how hard it can be to move through soft sand in unity as a Dune, unless you of course learn to surf it! Or you could wait for the winds of change to come along and deconstruct its shape and size. A whole mountain of sand dunes can be whipped away on a windy day. Sand has shown me through its softness, that stability is utterly illusory and that anything set in stone can be knocked down and melted away with enough water. The lesson also mirrors into my current situation in the garden; I could add more water and some straw and start building or I could call in the winds of change and just let it fly away.
Sand allows me to know that reality is never really rigid or permanent, it’s always malleable, I am malleable and to remember in my bones that even the hardest of mountains are penetrable and open; to enter and change.
Perhaps I should get a real job, as I've been contemplating sand way too long, but I guess this is what happens when you really want to Inner-stand something at its core, you go granular - No pun intended!
Sand has also recently taught me, like a dream that I had 2 weeks ago, that even seemingly closed mountains have magic entrances that are wide open if you know how to slow down enough to 'see' them. Like the scene in the Labrynth where she enters the closed wall.
Slow is the only way to Know; this is my new motto to live by. I am definitely returning from the speed and urgency - exploring Softness. I know that hardness strength and structure are obviously still going to exist, not saying they shouldn't. I am just hoping at least in my own life that I can find some lasting harmony between my hardness and strength and the dreamy softness of sand angels and turquoise waters that allow me to exhale my bones down down to the lowest point. To be like water.